Stage Troupe opened "The Laramie Project" tonight. It's my last show with the group, and I'm being entirely honest by saying that I feel blessed to be a part of it. The performance had gliches, of course, but none were devestating.
Best part? Andy Paris, one of the original playerwrights/member of the company/actor came for the second act and to do a talk back afterwards. He applauded our production during the talkback, and he seemed as though he really enjoyed it. He was actually surprised that none of us were acting majors. It all felt so weird and surreal, considering one of the actors (myself included) actually played HIM in the show. His talkback really helped me realize how much of a continuing impact this show has on not only the residents of Laramie, but on people across the country.
During the talkback, someone asked all of us when the moment that we really felt connected with the show occurred. I hadn't planned on mentioning it, because I hadn't really mentioned it to anyone all week, but i mentioned Chris' death on Sunday. How I felt so truly connected to the show now because I had a sense of what it would be like to take your own child/brother off of life support, and how devestating it would be for everyone involved. After the talkback, an adult woman who I'd never met came up to me and said "It's okay, I understand how you feel. And it's okay to cry." And I broke down. I finally let myself deal with Chris' death and how it is affecting my brother. I wish it hadn't been in front of a group of people, but I'm glad I dealt with it nonetheless.
After that, we (as tradition) went to Sunset with the cast. Andy joined us and sat next to me. We got to pick his brain about everything "Laramie" related for the next two hours. He really seems like a great guy. Very genuine. In fact, a lot of us could now "hear" him in the script: his voice, his mannerisms, his way of speaking. Truly amazing. Andy and I actually talked about how, for us (he also grew up in the Midwest), Larmaie didn't seem as if it was "worlds away." We both knew people who had the mentalities of those in Laramie. It was great to bond with someone on that level because I often felt that I was one of the few in the cast to come from a sheltered area, and it was refreshing to know I wasn't alone in that.
All and all, this was a night for the books. The experience tonight performing "The Larmaie Project" reminded me what doing theatre is all about. It has an ability to affect people--to make people think. To change. And, tonight, I was a part of that change.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wipe Your Feet Before Stepping All Over
This week was the week that wouldn't end.
I think I'm finally figuring out who my friends are. Three years into college and I'm just now recognizing that I don't deserve to be betrayed. I deserve friends that respect and love me. I shouldn't waste my time with an organization that doesn't seem to care about me one way or the other. I deserve friends that care about my well-being, and have the sense enough to realize when they are hurting me. I deserve honest friends. To be fair, I should be more honest towards them. This past week has made me realize that I haven't really emotionally grown since I last handled the same situation, because I'm handling it in exactly the same way--by doing nothing.
Where's my spine? How have I managed to become this shadow of a person? I used to think I had gumption and guts, now I feel weak. Just post "Welcome" on me and I'm a doormat.
I think I'm finally figuring out who my friends are. Three years into college and I'm just now recognizing that I don't deserve to be betrayed. I deserve friends that respect and love me. I shouldn't waste my time with an organization that doesn't seem to care about me one way or the other. I deserve friends that care about my well-being, and have the sense enough to realize when they are hurting me. I deserve honest friends. To be fair, I should be more honest towards them. This past week has made me realize that I haven't really emotionally grown since I last handled the same situation, because I'm handling it in exactly the same way--by doing nothing.
Where's my spine? How have I managed to become this shadow of a person? I used to think I had gumption and guts, now I feel weak. Just post "Welcome" on me and I'm a doormat.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Fashion Smashion
Now I'll preface this blog with the fact that I don't normally follow fashion week. Don't get me wrong, I definitely look at what the designers have come out with, but usually all at once at the end of Fashion Week(s). But this time around, I am just...struck by Marc Jacobs' collection. It has so much variety throughout it but still manages to maintain quintessential "Marc" features. The lines, the angles, the colors, the patterns, they're all very "Marc" but they're still innovative.
Of all the fall collections, he definitely seems to have used the most colors, and they are FANTASTIC.
And while they're over the top in some ways, they actually seem wearable. Not in a "I'm about to go to the office for a serious meeting" kind of ready. But very weekend-chic.
Or this one:
Take away the tights or the dress, and this is entirely wearable. Also maybe comb the hair...just saying.
I'm really pleased by this collection and can't wait to go to Marc and touch and feel all the fabrics. I definitely can't afford any of it, but what's the harm in trying on?
Of all the fall collections, he definitely seems to have used the most colors, and they are FANTASTIC.
And while they're over the top in some ways, they actually seem wearable. Not in a "I'm about to go to the office for a serious meeting" kind of ready. But very weekend-chic.
Or this one:
Take away the tights or the dress, and this is entirely wearable. Also maybe comb the hair...just saying.
I'm really pleased by this collection and can't wait to go to Marc and touch and feel all the fabrics. I definitely can't afford any of it, but what's the harm in trying on?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Donzo
I finished applying to law schools. And instead of feeling relieved, I feel more anxious. A weight has not been lifted.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
25 things...for those who matter
1) i am a hand talker. it used to embarrass me when people pointed it out, but i've been told i have the ability to command a room. i blame (or thank) my hands for that.
2) i used to resent growing up in Kansas. but i miss it, often.
3) as a child, i cut off a huge chunk of my hair and hid it under a table. i thought i could blame it on my brother, but that didn't work. i still think my "baby hairs" are a result of that incident.
4) for better or for worse, i am becoming my parents.
5) in high school, as part of a retreat, a group of sitting students were asked to stand up when certain facts applied to them. i was the only person to stand up when the statement "i have dumbed myself down for a guy" was read. i'm still guilty of that (and sometimes ashamed) and i still believe other girls in the group lied and didn't stand up.
6) at that same retreat, one of my best friends confessed to me that she had been raped. she didn't want to do anything about it; i threatened to tell her mom if she didn't. we haven't really talked since that night. she ended up getting a restraining order against the guy. i still regret how i handled the situation--i was too young to deal with it in a healthy way and i just didn't know how to be around her after that. if she reads this, i truly am sorry.
7)i have sent in many postcards to PostSecret. they haven't ended up on the website, but i hope one day i'll see them in a book. or that i'll see his in a book.
8) i don't capitalize letters or dot i's. to me, it's a waste of time. i'm sure this will prove to be a problem in the professional world. also,i judge other people on their grammar and spelling and am often overly aggravated by it.
9) i need a man who is willing to call me out when i'm wrong. i need someone to push me. i haven't met him yet.
10) i nicknamed my father "Crazy Henry," and while he is the cause of some of my most embarrassing moments, i love him with all of my heart. i can't imagine not having him in my life.
11) i missed out on a lot of "childhood" things. i didn't go to summer camp (unless you count soccer camp). i was never a Brownie or Girl Scout, and i never went to a father-daughter dance.
12) i played soccer for fourteen years. i stopped playing at a super competitive level when i broke my arm senior year. while it was a difficult decision to make for many reasons, i have come to a point where i can be happy with my decision to stop playing at that level. it helped retain my genuine love for the sport.
13) i don't "have a type." to me, having a type means you're not willing to look at other opportunities that are presented and are probably not ready to seriously date someone.
14) i dress like a forty-year old, and am actually proud of that.
15) i lied to get a job. i told them i wasn't returning to school because a "scholarship fell through." but, miraculously, three months later i got a different scholarship. on my last day, my coworkers bought a cake that said "congratulations, kim! we're so proud of you!" i felt awful...but i kept my mouth shut.
16) i miss my best guy friends from high school. they were my rocks for over three years. my relationships with them solidified the When Harry Met Sally theory that men and women can never really be "just friends."
17) on that note, i had a hunch one of them liked me for years. i ignored this fact so that we could remain friends. it finally came to a breaking point and...we broke.
18) i love playing the piano. few people know that i play, but it allows me to express myself when i'm not doing theatre.
19) i have an entirely irrational fear of eyes. i will never be able to look someone "deep in the eyes" without cringing. as a child, i screamed when my mother tried to put eye drops in my eyes (i still have to basically tilt them into my eye). i almost couldn't get contacts because i couldn't touch my eyes. i avoid optometry appointments. i don't have gonorrhea, i promise. please don't force me to do the eye puff thing. on april fool's day, some kids put giant blown up pictures of eyes in my science class to prank the teacher. i couldn't sit in class that day. i was a senior.
20) similarly, i have issues with needles. my mother used to think it was purely a mental thing that i couldn't get past. but, last year i passed out in a hallway after having blood drawn. my mother now understands it is not purely mental.
21) there are two places that mean "home" to me. the first is sitting on my back porch on a summer night listening to music or night swimming. the second is on my grandparent's balcony in holland.
22) i love night driving: windows down, music up, warm summer air rushing around me. luckily, Kansas has the perfect unlit, dirt roads for this purpose. and you can just hear and smell...everything. every cricket, every cut blade of grass. i could just drive for hours--it really clears my head.
23) throughout life, i've had a lot of female best friends. as we grew up, we all grew apart. i hope i can say that the friends that are in my life right now were part of my wedding.
24) i think i hurt my mother when, as a young girl, i told her i wouldn't wear her wedding dress at my wedding. i don't know what my dress will look like or have any idea of who i will marry, but i look forward to dancing with my father.
25) i've always wanted to be "mysterious." as an effect of revealing these past 24 things, that plan might officially be out the window. because i really am an open book and would reveal these things if asked.
2) i used to resent growing up in Kansas. but i miss it, often.
3) as a child, i cut off a huge chunk of my hair and hid it under a table. i thought i could blame it on my brother, but that didn't work. i still think my "baby hairs" are a result of that incident.
4) for better or for worse, i am becoming my parents.
5) in high school, as part of a retreat, a group of sitting students were asked to stand up when certain facts applied to them. i was the only person to stand up when the statement "i have dumbed myself down for a guy" was read. i'm still guilty of that (and sometimes ashamed) and i still believe other girls in the group lied and didn't stand up.
6) at that same retreat, one of my best friends confessed to me that she had been raped. she didn't want to do anything about it; i threatened to tell her mom if she didn't. we haven't really talked since that night. she ended up getting a restraining order against the guy. i still regret how i handled the situation--i was too young to deal with it in a healthy way and i just didn't know how to be around her after that. if she reads this, i truly am sorry.
7)i have sent in many postcards to PostSecret. they haven't ended up on the website, but i hope one day i'll see them in a book. or that i'll see his in a book.
8) i don't capitalize letters or dot i's. to me, it's a waste of time. i'm sure this will prove to be a problem in the professional world. also,i judge other people on their grammar and spelling and am often overly aggravated by it.
9) i need a man who is willing to call me out when i'm wrong. i need someone to push me. i haven't met him yet.
10) i nicknamed my father "Crazy Henry," and while he is the cause of some of my most embarrassing moments, i love him with all of my heart. i can't imagine not having him in my life.
11) i missed out on a lot of "childhood" things. i didn't go to summer camp (unless you count soccer camp). i was never a Brownie or Girl Scout, and i never went to a father-daughter dance.
12) i played soccer for fourteen years. i stopped playing at a super competitive level when i broke my arm senior year. while it was a difficult decision to make for many reasons, i have come to a point where i can be happy with my decision to stop playing at that level. it helped retain my genuine love for the sport.
13) i don't "have a type." to me, having a type means you're not willing to look at other opportunities that are presented and are probably not ready to seriously date someone.
14) i dress like a forty-year old, and am actually proud of that.
15) i lied to get a job. i told them i wasn't returning to school because a "scholarship fell through." but, miraculously, three months later i got a different scholarship. on my last day, my coworkers bought a cake that said "congratulations, kim! we're so proud of you!" i felt awful...but i kept my mouth shut.
16) i miss my best guy friends from high school. they were my rocks for over three years. my relationships with them solidified the When Harry Met Sally theory that men and women can never really be "just friends."
17) on that note, i had a hunch one of them liked me for years. i ignored this fact so that we could remain friends. it finally came to a breaking point and...we broke.
18) i love playing the piano. few people know that i play, but it allows me to express myself when i'm not doing theatre.
19) i have an entirely irrational fear of eyes. i will never be able to look someone "deep in the eyes" without cringing. as a child, i screamed when my mother tried to put eye drops in my eyes (i still have to basically tilt them into my eye). i almost couldn't get contacts because i couldn't touch my eyes. i avoid optometry appointments. i don't have gonorrhea, i promise. please don't force me to do the eye puff thing. on april fool's day, some kids put giant blown up pictures of eyes in my science class to prank the teacher. i couldn't sit in class that day. i was a senior.
20) similarly, i have issues with needles. my mother used to think it was purely a mental thing that i couldn't get past. but, last year i passed out in a hallway after having blood drawn. my mother now understands it is not purely mental.
21) there are two places that mean "home" to me. the first is sitting on my back porch on a summer night listening to music or night swimming. the second is on my grandparent's balcony in holland.
22) i love night driving: windows down, music up, warm summer air rushing around me. luckily, Kansas has the perfect unlit, dirt roads for this purpose. and you can just hear and smell...everything. every cricket, every cut blade of grass. i could just drive for hours--it really clears my head.
23) throughout life, i've had a lot of female best friends. as we grew up, we all grew apart. i hope i can say that the friends that are in my life right now were part of my wedding.
24) i think i hurt my mother when, as a young girl, i told her i wouldn't wear her wedding dress at my wedding. i don't know what my dress will look like or have any idea of who i will marry, but i look forward to dancing with my father.
25) i've always wanted to be "mysterious." as an effect of revealing these past 24 things, that plan might officially be out the window. because i really am an open book and would reveal these things if asked.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Morocco
Along with my slightly ridiculous obsession with Alice in Wonderland, I have other ways of avoiding stressful times in my life.
Whenever I get stressed, I watch this:
One day, I think I really will just pick up and go to Morocco. Maybe not for a year, but long enough to clear my head.
And you won't have to ask me again.
Whenever I get stressed, I watch this:
One day, I think I really will just pick up and go to Morocco. Maybe not for a year, but long enough to clear my head.
And you won't have to ask me again.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Long Time No Blog
It's been a while. I guess I've just been trying to catch my breath and get my bearings about me. It is officially my last semester at school. I'm entirely undecided about what I want to do after graduation. To avoid the what-ifs and definite game plans, I have been fully imersing myself in things that are ridiculous, such as my everything-a-person-could-ever-want-to-know-about Alice in Wonderland book. It's quite fabulous, actually.
You know as kids, how we all hope to be “happy” when we’re older? That that’s how we measure success—in happiness. At least, we hope that’s how we’ll measure it. That I imagined my happiness to one day be contingent on the amount of Barbies I had or even as simple as knowing I was achieving my dreams. Because who wants to admit that what they really want out of life is a great job or money?
Then I look at myself: if I don’t get into law school, I WILL feel like a failure. If I don’t get a job, I WILL consider myself a failure. Why do I need these sorts of accomplishments to measure my self worth? If it’s not a top tier law school, I’ve convinced myself that my academics mean nothing. If it’s not a high paying dream job, then I just wasn’t worth a second glance. The “Go big or go home” mentality seems to have really set in.
You know as kids, how we all hope to be “happy” when we’re older? That that’s how we measure success—in happiness. At least, we hope that’s how we’ll measure it. That I imagined my happiness to one day be contingent on the amount of Barbies I had or even as simple as knowing I was achieving my dreams. Because who wants to admit that what they really want out of life is a great job or money?
Then I look at myself: if I don’t get into law school, I WILL feel like a failure. If I don’t get a job, I WILL consider myself a failure. Why do I need these sorts of accomplishments to measure my self worth? If it’s not a top tier law school, I’ve convinced myself that my academics mean nothing. If it’s not a high paying dream job, then I just wasn’t worth a second glance. The “Go big or go home” mentality seems to have really set in.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Back to the Blog
My life has been an explosion this the past month. I'll sum things up here and expand on them later, because believe me, some of my life is so worth expansion.
So I went to Holland for Thanksgiving break. It was nine days overflowing with jetlag, delicious food, fabulous family, and adventures with Crazy Henry.
My return, on the other hand, was not adventurous or glamorous. I have spent more time these past two weeks in the library than I have spent in my own apartment.
I had an 85 page project due the Friday I got back, I took the LSATs last Saturday, I had two 10 page papers and a presentation all on the same day, and (here's the kicker) a 25 page paper due on Thursday. But now, I'm one final away from FREEDOM! Or, as close to freedom as I can get in Overland Park.
Update to come. Pinky promise.
So I went to Holland for Thanksgiving break. It was nine days overflowing with jetlag, delicious food, fabulous family, and adventures with Crazy Henry.
My return, on the other hand, was not adventurous or glamorous. I have spent more time these past two weeks in the library than I have spent in my own apartment.
I had an 85 page project due the Friday I got back, I took the LSATs last Saturday, I had two 10 page papers and a presentation all on the same day, and (here's the kicker) a 25 page paper due on Thursday. But now, I'm one final away from FREEDOM! Or, as close to freedom as I can get in Overland Park.
Update to come. Pinky promise.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Speed the Plow--That's What She Said
Once my funds are sufficient, I have a new game plan. I desperately want to see "Speed the Plow" on Broadway.
Reasons to start saving pennies:
1) Jeremy Piven. I love everything he touches--most notably "Entourage," but also all his crusades with John Cusack. I'd love to see his second foray into theatre.
2) David Mamet's shows fascinate me. They focus almost entirely on the power of man, while still managing to incorporate (arguably) useless female roles. The female characters only seem to highlight the importance of the man.
3) Raul Esparza. He's an amazing actor and I was fortunate enough to seem him front row in "Company" a couple years back. I'd love to see him in a straight play.
4) Elisabeth Moss from "Mad Men." See a couple posts back and you'll understand why this part is cool. She's a little frumpy, but that would definitely make sense in a Mamet show.
5) Jeremy Piven, again. He's hot. Let's deal.
Maybe next semester?
Reasons to start saving pennies:
1) Jeremy Piven. I love everything he touches--most notably "Entourage," but also all his crusades with John Cusack. I'd love to see his second foray into theatre.
2) David Mamet's shows fascinate me. They focus almost entirely on the power of man, while still managing to incorporate (arguably) useless female roles. The female characters only seem to highlight the importance of the man.
3) Raul Esparza. He's an amazing actor and I was fortunate enough to seem him front row in "Company" a couple years back. I'd love to see him in a straight play.
4) Elisabeth Moss from "Mad Men." See a couple posts back and you'll understand why this part is cool. She's a little frumpy, but that would definitely make sense in a Mamet show.
5) Jeremy Piven, again. He's hot. Let's deal.
Maybe next semester?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Fashion Shmashion
Dear Dumb Comm. Ave Girl,
It's 36 degrees outside. Why are you wearing a skirt and flipflops? Was that some weird walk of shame on a Monday at 3 pm? If so, kudos to you; you clearly had a good weekend. If not, wear pants. You weren't fooling anyone--you looked very cold. Also, don't glare at people when they look at you strangely. It's freezing. They know it; you should too.
Best of luck in the future,
The sensible girl in pants and a coat.
It's 36 degrees outside. Why are you wearing a skirt and flipflops? Was that some weird walk of shame on a Monday at 3 pm? If so, kudos to you; you clearly had a good weekend. If not, wear pants. You weren't fooling anyone--you looked very cold. Also, don't glare at people when they look at you strangely. It's freezing. They know it; you should too.
Best of luck in the future,
The sensible girl in pants and a coat.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
The President Elect
What’s a blog without a little controversy from time to time? So, here goes…
I am a conservative. Conservative, not Republican. I registered as an Independent voter because, honestly, I went into this election with an open mind. I didn’t like either of my choices for the next President, but I listened to each of their opinions and plans of action. I grew up with an understanding that a vote is a personal decision (my own mother never told me who she voted for), so I won’t disclose it even here. The man I wanted to win, however, won.
The problems in our country, particularly the economic pitfalls that are constantly snowballing, will not be fixed in the next four years. By anyone. If a Republican went into office and failed (which, albeit cynical, is eminent), the American people would not see a Republican in office for at least two more terms. Now that a Democrat is going into office, the American people will know that the problems in our country are not something that can be corrected quickly or easily. No amount of “Yes, we can!” will change that.
This is the awful part: I’m looking forward to seeing their Democrat hero fail. He is a celebrity, not a politician. He is a good, charismatic man, don’t get me wrong—but the American people need more than an idealistic, pretty face running our country.
As a college student soon to be job-searching in a horrible job market or taking out law school loans in an unstable economy, I’d love to eat my words in the next couple years. Only time will tell.
I am a conservative. Conservative, not Republican. I registered as an Independent voter because, honestly, I went into this election with an open mind. I didn’t like either of my choices for the next President, but I listened to each of their opinions and plans of action. I grew up with an understanding that a vote is a personal decision (my own mother never told me who she voted for), so I won’t disclose it even here. The man I wanted to win, however, won.
The problems in our country, particularly the economic pitfalls that are constantly snowballing, will not be fixed in the next four years. By anyone. If a Republican went into office and failed (which, albeit cynical, is eminent), the American people would not see a Republican in office for at least two more terms. Now that a Democrat is going into office, the American people will know that the problems in our country are not something that can be corrected quickly or easily. No amount of “Yes, we can!” will change that.
This is the awful part: I’m looking forward to seeing their Democrat hero fail. He is a celebrity, not a politician. He is a good, charismatic man, don’t get me wrong—but the American people need more than an idealistic, pretty face running our country.
As a college student soon to be job-searching in a horrible job market or taking out law school loans in an unstable economy, I’d love to eat my words in the next couple years. Only time will tell.
Monday, November 3, 2008
It's A Very, Very Mad World
This is entirely crazy, I know, but I wish my life were more like the show Mad Men. It's awful; I'm a woman in the 21st century, and I'd rather go back to a time when women were just entering the work force and even then, it was just as a secretary.
But oh, the clothes. The a-line dresses, the bouffants, the crinoline skirts. They amaze me on a weekly basis. Sure, AMC stylizes them and puts colors together that were probably unstylish at the time, but the result is always fantastic. On that note, I'd kill to meet a man who wears a pocket square.
The way the men treat women is something of an entirely different time, rightfully so. I know some of the men on the show cheat on their wives (which I actually appreciate the show portraying--it was a time when women knew it was happening to them but couldn't do anything about it). The men who don't cheat, however, are downright gentlemen. Mad Men shows the way that courtships should happen: men never letting a woman's drink empty, holding the door open for her, promising protection and security, etc. I know that I'm romanticizing a time period that was underpinned with hardship and depression, but I'd really to think that an outwardly Doris Day existence is possible. Or maybe my mindset is stuck in the 1960s...
But oh, the clothes. The a-line dresses, the bouffants, the crinoline skirts. They amaze me on a weekly basis. Sure, AMC stylizes them and puts colors together that were probably unstylish at the time, but the result is always fantastic. On that note, I'd kill to meet a man who wears a pocket square.
The way the men treat women is something of an entirely different time, rightfully so. I know some of the men on the show cheat on their wives (which I actually appreciate the show portraying--it was a time when women knew it was happening to them but couldn't do anything about it). The men who don't cheat, however, are downright gentlemen. Mad Men shows the way that courtships should happen: men never letting a woman's drink empty, holding the door open for her, promising protection and security, etc. I know that I'm romanticizing a time period that was underpinned with hardship and depression, but I'd really to think that an outwardly Doris Day existence is possible. Or maybe my mindset is stuck in the 1960s...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
What Am I Saying Goodbye To?
John is moving to North Carolina. It's actually happening. I feel silly for not believing he would follow through and feel guilty for doubting him. But this time, he's moved out of his apartment and already has a place in N. Carolina. I don't think I'm ready for him to leave. He's one of my best friends, and I won't get to say goodbye. It's like a movie moment--but one I've never envied: coming home to someone who's no longer there.
And like our entire relationship, I don't know what I'm losing. Am I losing a best friend or someone I dated? Either way, it doesn't make the situation hurt any less. He says he'll visit, and maybe he will once or twice, but after that, I'm sure our friendship will begin to dwindle and dissolve.
It's selfish of me to expect him to stay in Kansas forever. I can't ask him to wait for me, especially since I know it's my own hangups that have kept us apart. He's an amazing guy; he'll make some girl really happy. I just don't know anymore if that girl is me.
And like our entire relationship, I don't know what I'm losing. Am I losing a best friend or someone I dated? Either way, it doesn't make the situation hurt any less. He says he'll visit, and maybe he will once or twice, but after that, I'm sure our friendship will begin to dwindle and dissolve.
It's selfish of me to expect him to stay in Kansas forever. I can't ask him to wait for me, especially since I know it's my own hangups that have kept us apart. He's an amazing guy; he'll make some girl really happy. I just don't know anymore if that girl is me.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Screw You, Early Winter
What in the world happened? Somehow, I blinked and missed Fall.
Autumn is my favorite season. It means first sweaters, chai lattes, changing leaves, hand holding, warm coffeeshops, and scenic walks. It's a season of romance and comfort--the perfect combination.
Autumn is my favorite season. It means first sweaters, chai lattes, changing leaves, hand holding, warm coffeeshops, and scenic walks. It's a season of romance and comfort--the perfect combination.
But this year, I missed Fall. Last week, few trees had even shown a hint of color. Yesterday, however, they were all yellow and red. Great, I thought, I'll spend this weekend outside. But today is absolutely freezing! All day I did the usual "Boston winter" move: clutch coat closer, look at the ground, forget about how the wind is making your hair look absolutely ridiculous. This look is neither romantical nor comfortable--it's as if a big "Fuck Off" is stamped on my forehead.
...I'm not bitter at all that I missed the Fall.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Bow Your Heads and...Think?
I'm getting a little fed up with the fact that religion has no place in philosophy. Most philosophical arguments come down to: "You believe this because you are not religious, or this philosophy has no place in your life because you are religious."
With the exception of few philosophers, Aquinas and Augustine included, this is almost always the case. Every philosopher inevitably comes to the concept of freedom and free will (whether they call it that or not). Likewise, most philosophers cannot believe that free will does not exist. I won't deny that I fall under that category, as well; I have a refusal to accept that my own fate and actions aren't a product of my own determination. That does not mean, however, that I have no faith in a higher being.
Every human has faith in someone or something. Religion, or even faith, while it is not a definitive source of understanding or power, it is certainly demonstrative and a source of authority for making decisions. Since one particular, uniform authority cannot be recognized as being supreme, however, the reasoning "I have faith" will never be viable.
As I continue studying philosophy, I'm beginning to realize that even having faith in oneself may not be enough of a reason to believe something. Rationalism and relativism dominate the philosophical realm, but both have problems with an aspect of faith. Rationalists must rely on themselves; relativists can, at the very least, understand a reliance on religion.
I'm not even saying that I'm particularly religious, but I just find it hypocritical that philosophers are so willing to look to every other possible rationale for an event rather than looking into man's reliance on faith and the need for a particular security. So, with no apparently concrete answer to the inevitable question of "does faith have a place in philosophy," why can't my answer of "yes" ever be right?
With the exception of few philosophers, Aquinas and Augustine included, this is almost always the case. Every philosopher inevitably comes to the concept of freedom and free will (whether they call it that or not). Likewise, most philosophers cannot believe that free will does not exist. I won't deny that I fall under that category, as well; I have a refusal to accept that my own fate and actions aren't a product of my own determination. That does not mean, however, that I have no faith in a higher being.
Every human has faith in someone or something. Religion, or even faith, while it is not a definitive source of understanding or power, it is certainly demonstrative and a source of authority for making decisions. Since one particular, uniform authority cannot be recognized as being supreme, however, the reasoning "I have faith" will never be viable.
As I continue studying philosophy, I'm beginning to realize that even having faith in oneself may not be enough of a reason to believe something. Rationalism and relativism dominate the philosophical realm, but both have problems with an aspect of faith. Rationalists must rely on themselves; relativists can, at the very least, understand a reliance on religion.
I'm not even saying that I'm particularly religious, but I just find it hypocritical that philosophers are so willing to look to every other possible rationale for an event rather than looking into man's reliance on faith and the need for a particular security. So, with no apparently concrete answer to the inevitable question of "does faith have a place in philosophy," why can't my answer of "yes" ever be right?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Next Time I'll Take the Stairs
I think elevators are some of the most uncomfortable places ever. There seems to be some unwritten rule that if there are two people in an elevator, they must somehow strike up a witty and illuminating conversation between the first and umpteenth floors.
Today, I was in one with a professor. Four floors, that's all. Not enough to say more than "Hello, Professor. Chilly today, isn't it?"Instead of leaving it at that, he finds the ten second ride to the fourth floor (which feels like an eternity) the perfect time to find out where I'm from and what the weather's like in comparison to Boston's. The most uncomfortable moment, however, was the exit. Especially, and this is always the case, when both people are headed to the same place but don't realize that they are.
I would love to say that this isn't how The Exit went down, but it was:
I motioned for him to get off the elevator first.
He motioned for me to go.
I went. He went.
We both repeated steps one and two.
He says, "Wow. That was stupid."
He exits and walks away.
I exit, dumbfounded as to how awkwardly that interaction went down.
It was nice to finally talk to you, Professor. Glad we had that chat.
Today, I was in one with a professor. Four floors, that's all. Not enough to say more than "Hello, Professor. Chilly today, isn't it?"Instead of leaving it at that, he finds the ten second ride to the fourth floor (which feels like an eternity) the perfect time to find out where I'm from and what the weather's like in comparison to Boston's. The most uncomfortable moment, however, was the exit. Especially, and this is always the case, when both people are headed to the same place but don't realize that they are.
I would love to say that this isn't how The Exit went down, but it was:
I motioned for him to get off the elevator first.
He motioned for me to go.
I went. He went.
We both repeated steps one and two.
He says, "Wow. That was stupid."
He exits and walks away.
I exit, dumbfounded as to how awkwardly that interaction went down.
It was nice to finally talk to you, Professor. Glad we had that chat.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Temptation is a lover named Bitch
I don't think I'm a very faithful person. I don't mean in religion, I mean in regard to relationships. That's awful, isn't it? But I just know the person that I am. I'm too independent to be in a relationship, but I'm always looking for love and affection. I avoid long distance relationships for this reason: I'm terrified that I will cheat. And if there's something I can't forgive (even of myself), it's cheating on a significant other.
And since I want love so badly, since I need affection, I don't think I could say no. Maybe I would "love" someone closer to me for the sake of nearness...
I know I have more to write, but it's really quite an unflattering aspect of myself that I'd rather not focus on.
And since I want love so badly, since I need affection, I don't think I could say no. Maybe I would "love" someone closer to me for the sake of nearness...
I know I have more to write, but it's really quite an unflattering aspect of myself that I'd rather not focus on.
Seize the day, eh?
Last week, someone told me I have an "artist's soul," and I couldn't help but snicker. I love to perform, but I'd never considered it as a potential career in any regard. So where did he come from, saying I had an "artist's soul"?
Of course, this got me thinking more. I might be more connected to an artist than I thought. I love creating, I love expressing myself. Over the summer, I started playing the piano again. No lessons, no overbearing concern about my posture or length of my fingernails. I just played what I felt like playing and when I felt like playing, which actually became quite often. And now at school, when I feel overwhelmed or lonely or particularly emotional, there's no piano to pour my feelings into. Likewise, there are no plays to disappear into. Because acting, above all other forms of expression, is where I find my release. Comedy or drama, I need a challenge. And right now, with the show that I'm in, I feel unchallenged. It's no one's fault, of course, I think that I just hit a wall. I've taken my character as far as I can go, and it's not as far as I'd like.
I'll be the first to admit that I think I'm an extremely logical person. I have very ambitious career goals that keep me on a timeline for the next few years of my life. But now I'm starting to wonder, did I go to fast? Did I miss out on some of the things I should have by always having my nose in a book? I can't help but fear that I have. I'm young now and that won't always be the case...and an artist wouldn't let these opportunities pass her by.
Of course, this got me thinking more. I might be more connected to an artist than I thought. I love creating, I love expressing myself. Over the summer, I started playing the piano again. No lessons, no overbearing concern about my posture or length of my fingernails. I just played what I felt like playing and when I felt like playing, which actually became quite often. And now at school, when I feel overwhelmed or lonely or particularly emotional, there's no piano to pour my feelings into. Likewise, there are no plays to disappear into. Because acting, above all other forms of expression, is where I find my release. Comedy or drama, I need a challenge. And right now, with the show that I'm in, I feel unchallenged. It's no one's fault, of course, I think that I just hit a wall. I've taken my character as far as I can go, and it's not as far as I'd like.
I'll be the first to admit that I think I'm an extremely logical person. I have very ambitious career goals that keep me on a timeline for the next few years of my life. But now I'm starting to wonder, did I go to fast? Did I miss out on some of the things I should have by always having my nose in a book? I can't help but fear that I have. I'm young now and that won't always be the case...and an artist wouldn't let these opportunities pass her by.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
This Book Really Turns Me On...
I pretty much live at Mugar these days. I know the best tables to scope out. I know which particularly cold windows to avoid. I know how to hunch over whatever sugary food or caffeinated drink I have snuck in that night in order to hide it from the Red Blazers. I do not, however, know how to deal with the craziness of midterms or finals.
I'm there all the time, so I judge where I am in the semester by the amount of people in the library. No free tables whatsoever? Well, we must be nearing a some form of testing period. I direct my glares toward the herds of students that come in for the two weeks surrounding midterms and finals. They're loud, giggly, and frankly, annoying.
After last night I was assured that it is, in fact, midterm season. I was being productive (meaning minimal time allocated for facebook stalking) and decided to take a stretch break. Because, with all these people in the library, I was bound to run into someone I knew who was looking for a distraction. On my walk, however, I found the dumbest Red Blazer I have ever seen.
As a side note, I really dislike the Red Blazers. You're students, get over it. If someone in the library has food or drink, why do you have to be assholes and tell them to throw it away? Is their coffee hurting you? Is the smell of caffeinated beans wafting through the library a distraction to ALL students? No? I didn't think so. Get over yourself, or the next time I leave and show you my bag I WILL steal a potted plant. Let's see your Blazer-ed ass run down Comm. Ave. after me.
Back to the moment at hand. So I'm walking, and I just see a Red Blazer pointing at the ground frozen in dismay. Next to him is a B&G worker who could clearly care less about whatever it is that's happening. So what was happening? There was a condom wrapper in the trashcan, which had been knocked over (perhaps in a fit of sexual excitement?). Red Blazer just couldn't handle the fact that in this huge library someone was NOT focusing on their education and using their free time in a more enjoyable way. I get it; it is kind of gross. But it wasn't a used condom, just a wrapper. Red Blazer did not need to distract everyone in the room from their studying or drag a B&G guy, who couldn't care less, away from another crisis that he probably also couldn't have cared less about. I walked away smiling, though.
Overall, weird night in the library. The kooks come out in times of stress.
I'm there all the time, so I judge where I am in the semester by the amount of people in the library. No free tables whatsoever? Well, we must be nearing a some form of testing period. I direct my glares toward the herds of students that come in for the two weeks surrounding midterms and finals. They're loud, giggly, and frankly, annoying.
After last night I was assured that it is, in fact, midterm season. I was being productive (meaning minimal time allocated for facebook stalking) and decided to take a stretch break. Because, with all these people in the library, I was bound to run into someone I knew who was looking for a distraction. On my walk, however, I found the dumbest Red Blazer I have ever seen.
As a side note, I really dislike the Red Blazers. You're students, get over it. If someone in the library has food or drink, why do you have to be assholes and tell them to throw it away? Is their coffee hurting you? Is the smell of caffeinated beans wafting through the library a distraction to ALL students? No? I didn't think so. Get over yourself, or the next time I leave and show you my bag I WILL steal a potted plant. Let's see your Blazer-ed ass run down Comm. Ave. after me.
Back to the moment at hand. So I'm walking, and I just see a Red Blazer pointing at the ground frozen in dismay. Next to him is a B&G worker who could clearly care less about whatever it is that's happening. So what was happening? There was a condom wrapper in the trashcan, which had been knocked over (perhaps in a fit of sexual excitement?). Red Blazer just couldn't handle the fact that in this huge library someone was NOT focusing on their education and using their free time in a more enjoyable way. I get it; it is kind of gross. But it wasn't a used condom, just a wrapper. Red Blazer did not need to distract everyone in the room from their studying or drag a B&G guy, who couldn't care less, away from another crisis that he probably also couldn't have cared less about. I walked away smiling, though.
Overall, weird night in the library. The kooks come out in times of stress.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Something Wicked This Way Comes
I'm in a constant vulnerable place these days. I feel like I'm at some strange breaking point, but I can see myself and my crazy reactions. All I want to do is force myself to calm down and buck up. I'm an adult, after all...right? And that's what adults do. They deal. I'm trying, I really am. But the minute I don't smile or the second I'm not bubbling with conversation, people think I'm mad. I'm not; I'm just thinking.
But for the first time in my life, I have this creeping feeling that I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time. The pressures from home keep building and I'm almost positive that there will be a drastic change before I graduate. Something will break. It's a change, I fear, that I'm going to be upset that I was halfway across the country for. There's already been the odd shifting of family dynamics. Suddenly, my mom sees me as a friend and a confidant--which, I love, don't get me wrong. I do wish, however, that she left the financial woes out of the conversations. It would be nice if I saw her as more of a confidant, as well. There's a lot that needs to be said that I can't find the words to say.
But for the first time in my life, I have this creeping feeling that I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time. The pressures from home keep building and I'm almost positive that there will be a drastic change before I graduate. Something will break. It's a change, I fear, that I'm going to be upset that I was halfway across the country for. There's already been the odd shifting of family dynamics. Suddenly, my mom sees me as a friend and a confidant--which, I love, don't get me wrong. I do wish, however, that she left the financial woes out of the conversations. It would be nice if I saw her as more of a confidant, as well. There's a lot that needs to be said that I can't find the words to say.
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