Stage Troupe opened "The Laramie Project" tonight. It's my last show with the group, and I'm being entirely honest by saying that I feel blessed to be a part of it. The performance had gliches, of course, but none were devestating.
Best part? Andy Paris, one of the original playerwrights/member of the company/actor came for the second act and to do a talk back afterwards. He applauded our production during the talkback, and he seemed as though he really enjoyed it. He was actually surprised that none of us were acting majors. It all felt so weird and surreal, considering one of the actors (myself included) actually played HIM in the show. His talkback really helped me realize how much of a continuing impact this show has on not only the residents of Laramie, but on people across the country.
During the talkback, someone asked all of us when the moment that we really felt connected with the show occurred. I hadn't planned on mentioning it, because I hadn't really mentioned it to anyone all week, but i mentioned Chris' death on Sunday. How I felt so truly connected to the show now because I had a sense of what it would be like to take your own child/brother off of life support, and how devestating it would be for everyone involved. After the talkback, an adult woman who I'd never met came up to me and said "It's okay, I understand how you feel. And it's okay to cry." And I broke down. I finally let myself deal with Chris' death and how it is affecting my brother. I wish it hadn't been in front of a group of people, but I'm glad I dealt with it nonetheless.
After that, we (as tradition) went to Sunset with the cast. Andy joined us and sat next to me. We got to pick his brain about everything "Laramie" related for the next two hours. He really seems like a great guy. Very genuine. In fact, a lot of us could now "hear" him in the script: his voice, his mannerisms, his way of speaking. Truly amazing. Andy and I actually talked about how, for us (he also grew up in the Midwest), Larmaie didn't seem as if it was "worlds away." We both knew people who had the mentalities of those in Laramie. It was great to bond with someone on that level because I often felt that I was one of the few in the cast to come from a sheltered area, and it was refreshing to know I wasn't alone in that.
All and all, this was a night for the books. The experience tonight performing "The Larmaie Project" reminded me what doing theatre is all about. It has an ability to affect people--to make people think. To change. And, tonight, I was a part of that change.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wipe Your Feet Before Stepping All Over
This week was the week that wouldn't end.
I think I'm finally figuring out who my friends are. Three years into college and I'm just now recognizing that I don't deserve to be betrayed. I deserve friends that respect and love me. I shouldn't waste my time with an organization that doesn't seem to care about me one way or the other. I deserve friends that care about my well-being, and have the sense enough to realize when they are hurting me. I deserve honest friends. To be fair, I should be more honest towards them. This past week has made me realize that I haven't really emotionally grown since I last handled the same situation, because I'm handling it in exactly the same way--by doing nothing.
Where's my spine? How have I managed to become this shadow of a person? I used to think I had gumption and guts, now I feel weak. Just post "Welcome" on me and I'm a doormat.
I think I'm finally figuring out who my friends are. Three years into college and I'm just now recognizing that I don't deserve to be betrayed. I deserve friends that respect and love me. I shouldn't waste my time with an organization that doesn't seem to care about me one way or the other. I deserve friends that care about my well-being, and have the sense enough to realize when they are hurting me. I deserve honest friends. To be fair, I should be more honest towards them. This past week has made me realize that I haven't really emotionally grown since I last handled the same situation, because I'm handling it in exactly the same way--by doing nothing.
Where's my spine? How have I managed to become this shadow of a person? I used to think I had gumption and guts, now I feel weak. Just post "Welcome" on me and I'm a doormat.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Fashion Smashion
Now I'll preface this blog with the fact that I don't normally follow fashion week. Don't get me wrong, I definitely look at what the designers have come out with, but usually all at once at the end of Fashion Week(s). But this time around, I am just...struck by Marc Jacobs' collection. It has so much variety throughout it but still manages to maintain quintessential "Marc" features. The lines, the angles, the colors, the patterns, they're all very "Marc" but they're still innovative.
Of all the fall collections, he definitely seems to have used the most colors, and they are FANTASTIC.
And while they're over the top in some ways, they actually seem wearable. Not in a "I'm about to go to the office for a serious meeting" kind of ready. But very weekend-chic.
Or this one:
Take away the tights or the dress, and this is entirely wearable. Also maybe comb the hair...just saying.
I'm really pleased by this collection and can't wait to go to Marc and touch and feel all the fabrics. I definitely can't afford any of it, but what's the harm in trying on?
Of all the fall collections, he definitely seems to have used the most colors, and they are FANTASTIC.
And while they're over the top in some ways, they actually seem wearable. Not in a "I'm about to go to the office for a serious meeting" kind of ready. But very weekend-chic.
Or this one:
Take away the tights or the dress, and this is entirely wearable. Also maybe comb the hair...just saying.
I'm really pleased by this collection and can't wait to go to Marc and touch and feel all the fabrics. I definitely can't afford any of it, but what's the harm in trying on?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Donzo
I finished applying to law schools. And instead of feeling relieved, I feel more anxious. A weight has not been lifted.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
25 things...for those who matter
1) i am a hand talker. it used to embarrass me when people pointed it out, but i've been told i have the ability to command a room. i blame (or thank) my hands for that.
2) i used to resent growing up in Kansas. but i miss it, often.
3) as a child, i cut off a huge chunk of my hair and hid it under a table. i thought i could blame it on my brother, but that didn't work. i still think my "baby hairs" are a result of that incident.
4) for better or for worse, i am becoming my parents.
5) in high school, as part of a retreat, a group of sitting students were asked to stand up when certain facts applied to them. i was the only person to stand up when the statement "i have dumbed myself down for a guy" was read. i'm still guilty of that (and sometimes ashamed) and i still believe other girls in the group lied and didn't stand up.
6) at that same retreat, one of my best friends confessed to me that she had been raped. she didn't want to do anything about it; i threatened to tell her mom if she didn't. we haven't really talked since that night. she ended up getting a restraining order against the guy. i still regret how i handled the situation--i was too young to deal with it in a healthy way and i just didn't know how to be around her after that. if she reads this, i truly am sorry.
7)i have sent in many postcards to PostSecret. they haven't ended up on the website, but i hope one day i'll see them in a book. or that i'll see his in a book.
8) i don't capitalize letters or dot i's. to me, it's a waste of time. i'm sure this will prove to be a problem in the professional world. also,i judge other people on their grammar and spelling and am often overly aggravated by it.
9) i need a man who is willing to call me out when i'm wrong. i need someone to push me. i haven't met him yet.
10) i nicknamed my father "Crazy Henry," and while he is the cause of some of my most embarrassing moments, i love him with all of my heart. i can't imagine not having him in my life.
11) i missed out on a lot of "childhood" things. i didn't go to summer camp (unless you count soccer camp). i was never a Brownie or Girl Scout, and i never went to a father-daughter dance.
12) i played soccer for fourteen years. i stopped playing at a super competitive level when i broke my arm senior year. while it was a difficult decision to make for many reasons, i have come to a point where i can be happy with my decision to stop playing at that level. it helped retain my genuine love for the sport.
13) i don't "have a type." to me, having a type means you're not willing to look at other opportunities that are presented and are probably not ready to seriously date someone.
14) i dress like a forty-year old, and am actually proud of that.
15) i lied to get a job. i told them i wasn't returning to school because a "scholarship fell through." but, miraculously, three months later i got a different scholarship. on my last day, my coworkers bought a cake that said "congratulations, kim! we're so proud of you!" i felt awful...but i kept my mouth shut.
16) i miss my best guy friends from high school. they were my rocks for over three years. my relationships with them solidified the When Harry Met Sally theory that men and women can never really be "just friends."
17) on that note, i had a hunch one of them liked me for years. i ignored this fact so that we could remain friends. it finally came to a breaking point and...we broke.
18) i love playing the piano. few people know that i play, but it allows me to express myself when i'm not doing theatre.
19) i have an entirely irrational fear of eyes. i will never be able to look someone "deep in the eyes" without cringing. as a child, i screamed when my mother tried to put eye drops in my eyes (i still have to basically tilt them into my eye). i almost couldn't get contacts because i couldn't touch my eyes. i avoid optometry appointments. i don't have gonorrhea, i promise. please don't force me to do the eye puff thing. on april fool's day, some kids put giant blown up pictures of eyes in my science class to prank the teacher. i couldn't sit in class that day. i was a senior.
20) similarly, i have issues with needles. my mother used to think it was purely a mental thing that i couldn't get past. but, last year i passed out in a hallway after having blood drawn. my mother now understands it is not purely mental.
21) there are two places that mean "home" to me. the first is sitting on my back porch on a summer night listening to music or night swimming. the second is on my grandparent's balcony in holland.
22) i love night driving: windows down, music up, warm summer air rushing around me. luckily, Kansas has the perfect unlit, dirt roads for this purpose. and you can just hear and smell...everything. every cricket, every cut blade of grass. i could just drive for hours--it really clears my head.
23) throughout life, i've had a lot of female best friends. as we grew up, we all grew apart. i hope i can say that the friends that are in my life right now were part of my wedding.
24) i think i hurt my mother when, as a young girl, i told her i wouldn't wear her wedding dress at my wedding. i don't know what my dress will look like or have any idea of who i will marry, but i look forward to dancing with my father.
25) i've always wanted to be "mysterious." as an effect of revealing these past 24 things, that plan might officially be out the window. because i really am an open book and would reveal these things if asked.
2) i used to resent growing up in Kansas. but i miss it, often.
3) as a child, i cut off a huge chunk of my hair and hid it under a table. i thought i could blame it on my brother, but that didn't work. i still think my "baby hairs" are a result of that incident.
4) for better or for worse, i am becoming my parents.
5) in high school, as part of a retreat, a group of sitting students were asked to stand up when certain facts applied to them. i was the only person to stand up when the statement "i have dumbed myself down for a guy" was read. i'm still guilty of that (and sometimes ashamed) and i still believe other girls in the group lied and didn't stand up.
6) at that same retreat, one of my best friends confessed to me that she had been raped. she didn't want to do anything about it; i threatened to tell her mom if she didn't. we haven't really talked since that night. she ended up getting a restraining order against the guy. i still regret how i handled the situation--i was too young to deal with it in a healthy way and i just didn't know how to be around her after that. if she reads this, i truly am sorry.
7)i have sent in many postcards to PostSecret. they haven't ended up on the website, but i hope one day i'll see them in a book. or that i'll see his in a book.
8) i don't capitalize letters or dot i's. to me, it's a waste of time. i'm sure this will prove to be a problem in the professional world. also,i judge other people on their grammar and spelling and am often overly aggravated by it.
9) i need a man who is willing to call me out when i'm wrong. i need someone to push me. i haven't met him yet.
10) i nicknamed my father "Crazy Henry," and while he is the cause of some of my most embarrassing moments, i love him with all of my heart. i can't imagine not having him in my life.
11) i missed out on a lot of "childhood" things. i didn't go to summer camp (unless you count soccer camp). i was never a Brownie or Girl Scout, and i never went to a father-daughter dance.
12) i played soccer for fourteen years. i stopped playing at a super competitive level when i broke my arm senior year. while it was a difficult decision to make for many reasons, i have come to a point where i can be happy with my decision to stop playing at that level. it helped retain my genuine love for the sport.
13) i don't "have a type." to me, having a type means you're not willing to look at other opportunities that are presented and are probably not ready to seriously date someone.
14) i dress like a forty-year old, and am actually proud of that.
15) i lied to get a job. i told them i wasn't returning to school because a "scholarship fell through." but, miraculously, three months later i got a different scholarship. on my last day, my coworkers bought a cake that said "congratulations, kim! we're so proud of you!" i felt awful...but i kept my mouth shut.
16) i miss my best guy friends from high school. they were my rocks for over three years. my relationships with them solidified the When Harry Met Sally theory that men and women can never really be "just friends."
17) on that note, i had a hunch one of them liked me for years. i ignored this fact so that we could remain friends. it finally came to a breaking point and...we broke.
18) i love playing the piano. few people know that i play, but it allows me to express myself when i'm not doing theatre.
19) i have an entirely irrational fear of eyes. i will never be able to look someone "deep in the eyes" without cringing. as a child, i screamed when my mother tried to put eye drops in my eyes (i still have to basically tilt them into my eye). i almost couldn't get contacts because i couldn't touch my eyes. i avoid optometry appointments. i don't have gonorrhea, i promise. please don't force me to do the eye puff thing. on april fool's day, some kids put giant blown up pictures of eyes in my science class to prank the teacher. i couldn't sit in class that day. i was a senior.
20) similarly, i have issues with needles. my mother used to think it was purely a mental thing that i couldn't get past. but, last year i passed out in a hallway after having blood drawn. my mother now understands it is not purely mental.
21) there are two places that mean "home" to me. the first is sitting on my back porch on a summer night listening to music or night swimming. the second is on my grandparent's balcony in holland.
22) i love night driving: windows down, music up, warm summer air rushing around me. luckily, Kansas has the perfect unlit, dirt roads for this purpose. and you can just hear and smell...everything. every cricket, every cut blade of grass. i could just drive for hours--it really clears my head.
23) throughout life, i've had a lot of female best friends. as we grew up, we all grew apart. i hope i can say that the friends that are in my life right now were part of my wedding.
24) i think i hurt my mother when, as a young girl, i told her i wouldn't wear her wedding dress at my wedding. i don't know what my dress will look like or have any idea of who i will marry, but i look forward to dancing with my father.
25) i've always wanted to be "mysterious." as an effect of revealing these past 24 things, that plan might officially be out the window. because i really am an open book and would reveal these things if asked.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Morocco
Along with my slightly ridiculous obsession with Alice in Wonderland, I have other ways of avoiding stressful times in my life.
Whenever I get stressed, I watch this:
One day, I think I really will just pick up and go to Morocco. Maybe not for a year, but long enough to clear my head.
And you won't have to ask me again.
Whenever I get stressed, I watch this:
One day, I think I really will just pick up and go to Morocco. Maybe not for a year, but long enough to clear my head.
And you won't have to ask me again.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Long Time No Blog
It's been a while. I guess I've just been trying to catch my breath and get my bearings about me. It is officially my last semester at school. I'm entirely undecided about what I want to do after graduation. To avoid the what-ifs and definite game plans, I have been fully imersing myself in things that are ridiculous, such as my everything-a-person-could-ever-want-to-know-about Alice in Wonderland book. It's quite fabulous, actually.
You know as kids, how we all hope to be “happy” when we’re older? That that’s how we measure success—in happiness. At least, we hope that’s how we’ll measure it. That I imagined my happiness to one day be contingent on the amount of Barbies I had or even as simple as knowing I was achieving my dreams. Because who wants to admit that what they really want out of life is a great job or money?
Then I look at myself: if I don’t get into law school, I WILL feel like a failure. If I don’t get a job, I WILL consider myself a failure. Why do I need these sorts of accomplishments to measure my self worth? If it’s not a top tier law school, I’ve convinced myself that my academics mean nothing. If it’s not a high paying dream job, then I just wasn’t worth a second glance. The “Go big or go home” mentality seems to have really set in.
You know as kids, how we all hope to be “happy” when we’re older? That that’s how we measure success—in happiness. At least, we hope that’s how we’ll measure it. That I imagined my happiness to one day be contingent on the amount of Barbies I had or even as simple as knowing I was achieving my dreams. Because who wants to admit that what they really want out of life is a great job or money?
Then I look at myself: if I don’t get into law school, I WILL feel like a failure. If I don’t get a job, I WILL consider myself a failure. Why do I need these sorts of accomplishments to measure my self worth? If it’s not a top tier law school, I’ve convinced myself that my academics mean nothing. If it’s not a high paying dream job, then I just wasn’t worth a second glance. The “Go big or go home” mentality seems to have really set in.
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